blacksheep445's Blog

Today, even though rough has a lesson to be learned like everyday possesses. I had gotten in a fight with my mother, it was my wrongdoing for the outburst but I keep trying to reach out.

My mother not only keeps my ex around but also his girlfriend, who lies, cheats, steals, manipulates etc. Her and I were friends in my rough patch of life, she has done everything she can to try and ruin my life, and instead of my mother defending me she defends her.

I told my mother next time I see the little ***** her and I are to have a talk. What I want to say to her is simple: 1) Quit thinking that my life is your business and quit slandering my name in this small town. 2) The damage she has done is non-repairable. 3) She is not my friend or my family. 4) Also to quit using my family, and me for that matter. 5) She either needs to abide my boundaries or I am going to get physical with her, and I have been trying to avoid it.

Because of her, I don't think my parents will ever care about having a relationship with me again, I am nothing to them now....I just want my family back. I just want them to be proud of me, see how hard I am trying and to love me.

My mother was so upset with my outburst she said that my ex is her family and everyone else can **** off, and said all she wants is for me to get out of her life.

I don't know why I keep trying and I know I do things wrong, but I can at least admit it.

She ended up locking herself in her room, drinking more than likely like usual. But, what I have learned today is life is too short to be angry, and to never give up. I'll never give up on my family even though they don't want me. I swear I will never be like that when I have children I will never be that way EVER.

I am so hurt though, and lost, I'm angry but because I am hurt. I mean how would you feel if your parents chose your ex over you, then his girlfriend because she got pregnant and had a baby? How would you feel if you were being forced to be family with them and when you refuse your mother and father just end up hating you? What if you had no money, and no where to go, and anything you do can get you thrown on the street?

Now what would you do? How would you go about fixing it? Is it worth fixing? I would love to know cause I am at a loss.

On the upside though, my jaw is no longer as bruised from the wisdom tooth removal, and I found places hiring for my fiance, so tomorrow I get to get out of the house and help him find work. I am thankful for warmth, and good health, and my two precious cats that seem to always know how to make me feel better. Even my devil cat lol. I am also thankful that my fiance and I can feed ourselves and feed our cats as well.

Sometimes it's the brighter things that you have to think about no matter how small, just to make your world a little brighter.

Sometimes when I watch movies or read books, I dream of a world different than this. Sometimes I feel as if I wasn't meant for this time or era. This new age world strives from technology, I am still in a time which is becoming myth. I may be young, but my genetics are not. I am a warrior, meant to survive through being physically strong, and thinking quickly.

Sometimes I wish I was in a different land, when I shut my eyes I see beautiful tundra blowing through the warm breeze, old age trees and diversity of creatures.

Strength these days, seems to be of no importance, once upon a time, if you were not tough, if you could not hunt and have skill with hunting, you could not survive. A day when guns did not exist, and in all honesty I wish they didn't, poor innocent people die everyday because of guns, and the idiots that control them.

I dream of times, that will never exist once again, and I wonder everyday if my serenity is somewhere else in the universe, I often look out at the stars, I pick one and wonder if there is anything else staring back thinking the same thing.

I feel different, I always have and always will, I don't know why, but I think differently, talk differently, and wonder what caused it? Why is it that I stand in a room with many other people and I stick out, I'm not a tall blonde beauty queen, so what is it? Why am I sticking out, making people wonder? I am me.

My neice walked past me today as she got home, she went in the living room to talk to her mother about the drama going on in school. I couldn't help but roll my eyes over hearing frustrated with her constant drama talk. At some point, she started snapping at her mother, I knew it would happen and I finally had enough.

I finally told her the backsassing and the lying makes me not trust her, and that I am sick and tired of her thinking she can walk all over me. She goes off claiming that I hurt her feelings constantly, she knows how to hurt and I just had become numb to it at that point. My whole body is shaking as I am telling her how the lying is out of control. All in all she says she hasn't been lying and I have plenty of instances to prove that invalid. I did later tell her I love her and that there is no way in hell I will allow her to continue this and grow up to think she can treat other people this way.

I can't help but feel hurt though, by all the things she has said in the past and how she makes me feel in the present day. I have done nothing but love this kid from the day she was born, be there for her and given her the option to open up to me with no reprecussions and me not getting mad. But does she talk to me? No.

What is odd though is my parents, now acting nice to me all of a sudden and handing me a random $40 and making me take it when I declined. I can't help but wonder when it's going downhill again, and what the catch is. Could it be that they know that now that I have a job, I am running and NEVER coming back? Could it be that they feel they are losing control? Either way, I have people all around me in my family household that can and will hurt me at any point and time. I can't help but keep one eye open when I sleep and to watch my back, at least until I have my own home. Where I don't have to hide who I am and I can flourish.

"If you feel life is messed up, then change it in action, don't sit around talking about it." -me

How does one go about confronting a pathological liar?

Tomorrow I take my grandmother on the ferry with my neice, whom I am having difficulties with. I cannot confront her at home or my close-minded parents will defend her after she cries victim once again. I figure my best chance is when I am alone with her on the ferry coming back, where she cannot back-talk me without making a scene. She lied to my gramma that my sister/my neices mother is a shoplifter. Which she is not, but no one believes her or me for that matter. I figure since my neice thinks she is such an adult she can take an adult conversation and learn that ruining people's lives is not ok, and that not having any empathy for it is almost psychotic. Is that the proper word for it?

I dream for her to grow up and have an amazing life, a great husband, a job she loves, and little beautiful children, she is a very intelligent and beautiful girl. I'm not even just saying that it's true, but with what she is doing with her life right now, I only see turmoil. I believe I will make progress with her, because I never will not believe that she can change and I believe I can one day have a great trusting relationship with her. If you believe in something enough, and give the seed some water it will flourish, and I have to believe that my neice will flourish. Doubt only causes pain.

On the upside though, my grandmother who most of my life has put me down and only seen there terrible in me, seemed to be proud of me for once in my life. She actually talked to me about her life experiences which has helped relate to my life and how to take the next step in life.

Also, my fiance got a job today, so now we can probably get a house we want and I can get away from the emotional torture that plagues my family's dwelling. I don't want to leave my sister behind and her kids, but I know she understands and my sister always just wants the best for me. My sweet, sweet sister, finally reunited with my other half, we are 14 years apart and barely have lived together but she is my best friend. She is my rock, and I wish that anybody with a sister would have the luck to understand what I am talking about.

As much as my family causes me heartache, pain, and constant doubt in myself, I love them to the absolute depths of my soul. One day, when I don't live here I hope they will see that,

At night I sit and try and think of good memories to get myself to not think of the way they treat each other now or how much the day was full of arguing and deceit. I remember how my mother used to tickle my hands when I was falling asleep and the way she curls her toes when she beads while watching HGTV, getting dairy queen with my dad or singing the stupid little jingle songs we made up when I was little to any store we went to. Everytime my neices came to visit and how every year they grew taller, the sound of their voices when they were little and said Auntie! And the memories of me and my sister watching AFV laughing at all the same parts, the exact same way or how she used to wake up at 4 every morning in high school to get her hair to do the "flip." Last but not least when my grandmother gets lost and has to have me tell her at eleven how to get on the freeway, how long it took and how funny it was that she tried to say she wasn't lost.

"When you grow old, money, cars, houses, any material possession doesn't matter. when you grow old all you have is your special memories, and in the end that's all that matters."  -My grandmother, 83 and still constantly on the go, always looking for another adventure.